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In Your Child John 3:16 Certainly the greatest evidence of your value, as a human being, is the fact that God's own Son Jesus Christ came to earth to die so that you could live. So there can be not doubt of the great worth each man, woman and child has before God. Yet we do not always have such a good image of ourselves. The messages we tell ourselves about ourselves are the messages we believe. I am beautiful, I am no good, I am a nice person, I am a disappointment... The messages we learn to tell ourselves are largely based on the messages our parents told us when we were young. How we view ourselves (our self-image) is the key to how we behave. If a child thinks of herself as a "bad" girl, she will probably act that way. Even more than this, a child's self-image will largely determine if he or she will be happy in life. Psychologists have found that adults who have grown up with a poor self-image never feel good about their accomplishments no matter how great they may be. Becoming a millionaire might make a woman seem financially successful. But if she felt, as a child, that nothing she ever did was good enough to please her parents, try as she might, she will never feel good about her accomplishments inside. We now begin to see the real value of giving your child a positive self-image. But how is this done? According to Dr. Bruce Narramore, in his book titled, " Help! I'm A Parent", a positive self-image is determined by three key elements: 1) A sense of belonging 2) a sense of worth 3) a sense of confidence A SENSE OF BELONGING: One of saddest proofs that children do not feel like "belong" in their family is the presence of the teenage street gangs. Here they look to find the acceptance they never felt at home. They are proud to finally feel like they are part of something. But most parents love their children a great deal. So how is that these children don't feel they "belong"? Their is sometimes a big difference between a parent's love for a child and a child's perception of that love. In reality, you may love your child with all your heart and soul. But if you cannot convey that love to the child, your love is of no value to his sense of self. We need to become aware of HOW OUR CHILDREN UNDERSTAND LOVE. For a young child, the simple words, "I love you!" are nice, but the child's true perception that he/she is loved come from the TIME a parent spends with him or her. Spending time playing with, riding bikes, working a puzzle WITH the child says more to him or her about how much you care, than all the words or money spent on toys can ever say. KEY #1 TO A CHILD'S SENSE OF BELONGING: Parent spends TIME with child. The next key is perhaps less easily recognized at first. But it is equally important. In a family, each member must have a special role to play in order to feel he/she is contributing to it. A mother and father may both work outside of the home to provide financial stability to the family. There is also work to be done inside the home to keep it clean, happy and functioning well. Children, who feel they belong, feel they are not only a part of play-time, but also a part of the responsibility to the family. This brings us to our second key. Each child in the home should have as much responsibility as his age and abilities allow. So, a child by the age of 2 can learn to put away a toy she's finished playing with. By 3 or 4 a child can make his/her own bed. So, you see that a child's responsibilities to his family grow as he does. Thus, at every stage, the child feels important, NEEDED. They feel like an important, CONTRIBUTING member of their family. KEY #2 TO A CHILD'S SENSE OF BELONGING: Child has chores and responsibilites in the home. A SENSE OF WORTH: Early in a child's life he/she begins to get the idea that an evaluation is constantly going on regarding his/her accomplishments. The child paints a picture, just for the fun of feeling the paint squish between her fingers. When she presents the picture to Mommy however, it takes on a whole new meaning. "What a beautiful picture!" Mommy exclaims. Suddenly the child is aware that she has just been evaluated. She beams happily. She is glad that mommy found her picture beautiful. But what if a parent's evaluations of a child were mostly negative. "Katy, you are such a mess! Just look at this bedroom!" Or, "What is this 'C' on your report card? (never mind that the kid also got 6 'A's - Dad sees only the 'C') You got a 'C' in Spelling..." Even, if he never calls her something ugly like "STUPID", the NEGATIVE focus of the parent's words cause the child to feel that she is not good enough. In order for children to feel they are valuable, they need to receive 99.9% positive evaluations from their parents. Its true, that a parent must help the child grow through a weakness. But the parent's verbal FOCUS must never be on it. Let's play through that scene with Katy's report card again. Only this time, let's use a positive example. Katy comes home from school with her report card. She hands it to Daddy. Daddy looks at the grades. He sees the "C" in Spelling and inwardly winces. But Daddy NEVER mentions it to Katy. Instead he knows he will help Katy pull up that spelling grade. Daddy already has a plan that will both help Katy develop a sense of worth, AND bring up that spelling grade. Katy is waiting to hear what Daddy will say. Daddy finishes reading the report card. And bends down to show it to Katy so that they can discuss it on her level. "I am so proud of you, Katy!" Daddy says giving her a big hug. "You got an 'A' in Science, Math, P.E., Reading, Social Studies, and in Geography too!" (Daddy is mentioning all the good things about the card - if there are only a few good things, talk about them a LOOONGG time). By now Katy is smiling, her eyes are shining and she feels that she is "good enough" to please her Daddy. Daddy spends a long time going over all the wonderful things the teacher has said about little Katy. And never once does Daddy mention that he is disappointed in Katy over the 'C'. Instead, the next day when Katy comes home from school, Daddy calls her over to the table. First he asks her about her day, then he asks her to take out her spelling book so that they can work on her assignment together. KEY #1 TO A CHILD'S SENSE OF WORTH: Send your child the message that they are GOOD and you are PROUD of them A SENSE OF CONFIDENCE: The final key in a child's positive sense of self-worth is confidence. Confidence is something that largely comes naturally when a child feel's they BELONG and have a SENSE OF WORTH. So, by focusing on developing the other two parts, a parent will be fostering the development of confidence as well. There are some things that can be done in addition which strengthen a child's confidence. First, confidence comes from the feeling that the child is a success. For this reason, parent's should wisely set the child up to succeed. How is this accomplished? Provide the child with ample opportunities to do things he or she enjoys and is good at. Work with the child on areas they are weak in but always FOCUS on their strengths. A child will feel confident when they believe that they are good at doing things, successful and competent. KEY #1 TO A CHILD'S SENSE OF CONFIDENCE: Lots and lots of Praise! |