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Isn't it interesting that God equates discipline with love. In fact, in Hebrews, we are told that discipline is the EVIDENCE of God's love toward us. Let's read the whole thought in Hebrews. And ye have forgotten the exhortation (good advice) which speaketh unto you as unto children, 'My son, despise NOT thou the chastening of the Lord (the discipline of the Lord), nor faint when thou art rebuked of Him (scolded by Him). For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth (If God loves you, He disciplines you), and scourgeth (spanks) every son whom He receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? (It is unimaginable to be called a son if your father doesn't discipline you) But if ye be without chastisement... then are ye bastards, and not sons (if you are not disciplined, it is evidence the Father doesn't love you, thus you must be the fruit of an adulterous relationship - bastards) In today's parenting climate, the idea of disciplining children is a scary one... After all, you don't want to be abusive. And thank God for that! There is certainly nothing loving about an abusive relationship! So, what do we mean by "Loving Discipline"? How can discipline be the EVIDENCE of our love for our children? To answer this, we must first distinguish between two very different terms. The first is "discipline", the second is "punishment". I would like to submit that punishment is about the parent venting his anger on the child for misbehavior. Discipline, on the other hand, is not about the parent. In fact, unlike punishment, discipline CANNOT be carried out IF THE PARENT IS ANGRY. Discipline is about guiding the child and molding the child's will. It is about helping the child to form a Godly character. Let's look at a hypothetical example to further explain this point. Suppose that Joey is six years old. One day he comes home from first grade in an obstinate mood... Mom asks him to feed the dog and do his chores before he goes out to play with friends. Joey doesn't want to obey. So, Joey decides to test Mom's authority. Joey says, "No, I don't want to. And YOU can't make me!" With that, he moves toward the front door with every intention of going out to play with his friends. There are three possible options here for the parent. Two of the options will harm the child, while the third will teach the child both that you love him, and that he must be a responsible member of the family. There are several variations on how they could actually play out, but it would be something close to this: OPTION 1: (PUNISHMENT) -You say, "@#*!!!, Joey! I work hard all day you insulent little @#&*!". Then you grab the kid, pull him into his room and hit him until your arm hurts. You feel a little guilty at having lost control, but you comfort yourself by thinking that Joey will obey you tomorrow. Joey fears his mother. He doesn't feel loved. He may obediently feed the dog and do his chores tomorrow, but what has it cost? Instead of living with love for his parent, he fears her. Thus, her "control" over him can ONLY last as long as she is STRONGER physically than he is. Someday, the "lion" outgrows its tamer. This is NOT AN ACT OF LOVE. Yet the Bible says that discipline is all about love... So, I hope you see why you must scratch out option 1! Now on to option 2... You feel badly about the result. You feel out of control. You even resent Joey just a little. Why can't he be a good kid like so-and-so? What did you ever do to deserve a kid like this? Joey has lost respect for his parent. He now knows that HE is stronger than his mother and that he does not need to obey. He may not be able to put his finger on it yet, but someday he will realize that at this moment he began to know he was unloved. He even begins to hate his parent just a little. He hates the weakness in her. His own strength in being able to "WIN" scares him. He feels insecure. Again, avoiding conflict is NOT about love either. Sadly, this child has been taught that he does not need to obey and function as a responsible memeber of his family. He is not being raised to be an effective and responsible memeber of society later either. So, I hope you agree to scratch out option 2... Now let's examine the discipline option and see why God equates it with love. Now, for a child accustomed to loving discipline, this will be enough. He is again reminded, in a loving manner, of his position as a functioning member of his family. He accepts his responsibilty and obeys. However, if a child has grown wild from winning past challenges with his parent, he will likely still persist. He may try to push past his mother, grab for the door... etc... Ultimately, YOU (as the parent) MUST WIN in a battle for power. But YOU MUST NOT WIN by loosing control, or loosing sight of the goal - which is that you are doing this for your child's best good. Your response must NEVER be in ANGER (give yourself time-out along with Joey if you need to - before responding), and you must NEVER ignore the challenge Joey has pressed to you. In the end, discipline is MOST effective when it relates to the "crime". Spanking is not a taboo, when used this way. It is not effective if used every time, but a quick swat on the poseterior can be effective to get Joey's attention. It is not about anger, or inflicting pain... It is about establishing your role as someone to whom Joey must listen and obey. Once the discipline process is carried out... you are only done with the form of discipline you have chosen (be it time out, or what ever) when the child is no longer angry... If he is still sullen, or violent, you must wait. Be sure to allow enough time for him to quiet down and gain control. Now, you must always reassure your child of your love. Go to the child. Encircle him in your arms and whisper in his ear, "I love you more than you can possibly understand. You are precious to me and I thank God every day that He let me raise you! Because I love you, I must teach you to obey me. That is the only way that I can take care of you and help you become the kind of man God wants you to be. Let's read from the Bible. (open it to Ephesians 6:1) God says, 'Children, obey your parents for this is what God wants you to do'." Then pray with you child. Assure the child of both your forgiveness and God's. Now the issue is over. Do not ever bring it up again. Three wonderful things have happened as a result of your loving discipline. 1) Joey feels loved. 2) Joey respects your authority. 3) Joey understands that responsiblity is expected of him. He has learned to obey. For more information on discipline, read Dr. James Dobson's book, "The Strong-willed Child, Birth Through Adolescence". RETURN TO MARRIAGE AND FAMILY PAGE |