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that ye love one another..."John 13:34 It is hard to find a truly successful marriage these days. So many end up in divorce. But staying together is not necessarily a sign of marrital bliss. Surely when God performed the first marriage ceremony in Eden, this was not what He had planned. Is it possible, then, to bring some of the beauty of Eden into your marriage? YES! Praise God, yes! There are three key elements in a heavenly marriage. Try them out and you will see a change. They are: appreciation, exhortation, and intimacy. APPRECIATION: True appreciation is a mental attitude. In marriage it so easy to get caught up in seeing the bad things about our mates that we overlook the wonderful things. To improve your marriage relationship, the first step is to begin focusing your attention on the good things about your partner. Philippians 4:8 (Living Bible) "...Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and lovely, and dwell on the find, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God (and your spouse) for and be glad about it." Verbal praise is key element here. There is something that you can praise your spouse for. Surely this must be true, or you wouldn't have fallen in love with them in the first place. So, do not allow yourself to mention their faults. Instead, when you speak to your loved one, speak words of praise, appreciation, and thankfulness. You wish to give yourself the gift of happy marriage? First, you must daily give your partner the gift of appreciation. Every day, before you are together with your loved one, think of what you will praise them for. Then, the words will come easily. Also, remember the example of Jesus. People pressed Him and reviled Him. Yet He didn't allow ANY OUTSIDE FORCE TO DICTATE HIS RESPONSE. Jesus was just as gentle and kind to those who taunted Him as He was to those who treated Him well. (I am not talking about staying in abusive relationships here!!! - this is referring to being provoked into an argument by one's spouse). So, even when you feel that you are being provoked into loosing your cool. At the very least, bless your spouse with your silence. A story is told of a woman who was very unhappily married. She went to her village rabbi and begged for help. The rabbi said he had just the thing. He handed her a bottle of pink fluid and gave her the following instructions. Whenever her husband said or did something she would normally argue with him over, she was to immediately use the medicine. Skeptical, but determined to try anything (and she did respect this man's advice), the woman returned home and put the medicine on the counter within easy reach. Her husband came home, and was in a surly mood. "What's for dinner, I'm starved!" he shouted. "I haven't finished dinner quite yet, but I'm working on it now," she replied. "What?! Its six o'clock! What have you been doing all this time?" He growled. Sensing she was loosing control fast, the woman grabbed the medicine given her by the Rabbi. Its instructions were simple. When provoked, take one tsp. and hold under tongue as long as needed. She grabbed a spoon and followed the instructions. As her husband continued to grumble, she remained quiet. Gradually he quieted down and she continued dinner. At the dinner table her husband apologized for shouting at her. And THANKED her for not becoming angry at him. As time went on, her husband noticed the change. Never did she respond to any provocation. For she always used her medicine just before "letting him have it". Gradually, each day, he spoke less and less harshly to her and became more and more complimentary. In two short months they were acting like happy newly weds. Then one day, the wife went out to the kitchen and found she didn't even have one teaspoon of the medicine left in the bottle. In a panic she rushed to the Rabbi. "Oh, Rabbi, thank you so much for this medicine! My husband and I are so happy now!" The Rabbi smiled and nodded as if he had expected it to work. "I really need to get some more of it right away!" continued the woman. The Rabbi shook his head. "I don't have any more. But you don't need it anyway." Distraut, the woman pleaded, "Where can I get it, Rabbi? I MUST have some more!" "My dear lady," began the Rabbi patiently, "It was only an antacid, but simple water would do. You see, it was not the medicine, but the fact that it held your tongue still." Key to Appreciating your Spouse: PRAISE your partner daily, and if you can say nothing good -bless them by your silence. EXHORTATION: In the Bible, Paul refers to Exhortation as a Spiritual gift. To exhort someone is to build them up, guide them to the edifying and right path, and be a good influence on them. Romans 14:19 (Amplified Bible) "So let us then definately aim to and eagerly pursue what makes for harmony and mutual upbuilding of one another." Romans 15:2 (Amplified Bible) "Let each one of us make it a practice to please his neighbor (make them happy) for his good and for his true welfare, to edify him - that is, to strengthen him and build him up spiritually." 1 Cor. 8:1 (NIV) "Love builds up." The amazing key to Christ-centered exhortation is seen in the example of Jesus'. We must always build our partner up. We must NEVER criticize them or tear them down. This allows our loved one the freedom to grow and develop without fear of failure, or hurtful criticism. Ask yourself each day, when you are together, "What can I say to my spouse right now that will build up, encourage, strengthen, and bring out the best in them?" Interestingly enough this brings us back to our first key. We see now that exhortation and appreciation are links on the same chain. Key to Exhorting your Spouse: Focus on doing and saying things that will help your spouse grow into a better person INTIMACY: When most people think of the word intimacy in conjunction with marriage, they think of the physical joining that God has sanctioned between a man and wife. This is certainly and important and wonderful part of a God-ordained marriage, but it is NOT true intimacy. Rather, the physical act between married people is EVIDENCE (in a healthy marriage) or the presence of intimacy. So, in other you have intimacy with your spouse, therefore you become physically united with them. What, then, is intimacy? There are two things which create intimacy in a marriage. The first is sharing, the second is touching. SHARING: It is certainly obvious when these two elements are NOT present! A friend of mine has what I am certain must be a very unfulfilling marriage. They do not share any of the same interests. While he enjoys camping, she prefers to paint, or read. Rather than do things together, they have instead taken to spending more time apart. It has gotten so bad that in the past 10 years they haven't even vacationed together once. They say they are happy as each is doing what they enjoy, but they are NOT sharing... This can only weaken their marriage, even though they stay together. To truly share, in marriage, you must first be aware of what brings happiness to your spouse. This creates a sense of "being in tune" with the other person. Then you must decide that you want to do things to make your loved one happy. You begin sharing activities that they enjoy. You also enjoy it as you are making them happy and sharing the experience with them. Then the two of you can share activities that you prefer. Ideally, try to find something you BOTH enjoy doing. A hobby or something you can share an interest in. When you have found something you both like to do, you will not only enjoy it, you will want to repeat it. Spending happy time together is a powerful glue in a fulfilled marriage. TOUCHING: Physical contact is warm and very necessary to human beings. God gave us each thousands of tiny nerve endings in our skin so that we would benefit from loving touch. When we are upset, a hug is far more comforting than any words. A simple shoulder rub can convey to a harried wife that her husband knows she's tense and that he cares. A person feels like he is not alone, when you hold his hand. You see, physical touching in a healthy marriage is not always sexual. God did not ordain the sexual act to be intimacy! He intended for it to occur AFTER intimacy was already present between two married people. It is for this reason that people who go out and seek meaningless sexual encounters find themselves empty afterwards. They might have achieved sexual contact, but they did not achieve intimacy. In a heaven-sent marriage, intimacy is always present. Love your partner, share with them on a deep and meaningful level as well as in fun, hold them, touch them, be with them. Intimacy is the wonderful gift God intended in Eden when he instructed man to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. The two of them were to become one flesh! That's a getting-inside- your-spouse's-skin-kind-of-intimate. Share it and find what you've been missing. |