vs. Abuse
Why is it that God appoints men to be head over the wife and household, and
yet, all I see are men who treat their woman poorly? And if the children are
females.. they get treated poorly too?
I realize that God has a design and that both are to work together in
harmony. But I see more woman who have to take care of more things and
have more responsiblities than men do.
Dear Questioner, before I begin addressing your question, I would just like to say
that my heart goes out to you and my prayers as well. I sense years of pain and
probable abuse are behind your question. I will answer your question, but I think
you may be surprised by the answer the Bible gives. For abuse is NOT about love
and God is ALL ABOUT LOVE... Thus God has nothing whatsoever to do with abuse,
be it mental abuse, physical abuse, or emotional abuse. This I will show you from
the Bible beyond any shadow of doubt.
What you may not realize is that Paul, in Ephesians is referring to a contract
- in this case, a marriage contract. There are things which both parties in a marital
contract must carry out. And, just as a contract today becomes void if one side
fails to do their part, so it was with the contract Paul mentioned in Epesians 5.
But, before we actually go there and start talking about it in detail, lets take a
look at some other God-ordained contracts which Paul writes about. First, we will
examine the TERMS of the contract. We will also look at the requirements of each:
CONTRACT 1:God's Appointment of a Church Bishop (I Timothy 3:1-7)
Contract: "...If a man desire the office of a bishop..." (vs 1)
Qualifications of the Bishop - Required in order to hold this office: (vs 2-7)
• A Bishop must be blameless (without fault)
• A Bishop must be the husband of one wife
• A Bishop must be vigilant (watchful), sober (a deep thinker), and of GOOD behavior
• A Bishop must be given to hospitality (open his home to strangers)
• A Bishop must be apt to teach (a good teacher of the things of God)
• A Bishop must NOT be given to wine (a drinker of alcoholic beverages)
• A Bishop must NOT be a striker (someone who hits another)
• A Bishop must NOT be greedy of filthy lucre (greedy for money)
IF THE BISHOP FAILS TO FULFILL THESE TERMS, HE IS REMOVED FROM OFFICE (See vs 10)
CONTRACT 2:God's Appointment of a Church Deacon (I Timothy 3:8-9)
Contract: "Likewise must the deacons (in the same way as the Bishop,
the deacons must behave in the following manner in order to keep their office)" (vs 8)
• A deacon must be grave (a serious minded person)
• A deacon must NOT be double tongued (deceitful and a liar)
• A deacon must NOT be given to wine (a drinker of alcoholic beverages)
• A deacon must NOT be greedy of filthy lucre (greedy for money)
IF THE DEACON FAILS TO FULFILL THESE TERMS, HE IS REMOVED FROM OFFICE (See vs 10)
But rather than just refer to 1 Timothy 3:10, let's read it:
"And let these (deacons) also first be proved (tested to see if they
measure up to the required standards); THEN let them use the
office of a deacon, BEING FOUND BLAMELESS."
What does it mean "being found blameless"? It means (having read the previous Bible
verses in this chapter), that the office can only be given to someone who fills all
of the qualifications. If the man is out of God's plan on EVEN ONE account, he CANNOT
hold the church office!
Where are we going with this, you may wonder... As I said earlier, the marriage union
between a man and woman is the same as a church appointment (to the office of deacon
or bishop). By this I mean, there are requirements of BOTH the husband and the wife.
If one fails to do his or her God appointed duty in his married job description, then his/her
appointment before God is OVER. God DOES NOT sanction a marriage in which one party
breaks his or her required contract.
Now, after that background explaination, let's open the Bible to the text you are
specifically talking about. Its found in Ephesians 5:22-33.
CONTRACT 3:God's Appointment of a Husband (Eph. 5:23)
"For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church:
and he is the Saviour of the body."
• A husband must love his wife as much as Christ loves his church
• A husband must love his wife (and treat her as good as) his own body. (verse 28)
• A husband must nourish his wife and cherish her -
Before we go on to the wife's part of the contract, let's examine what God demands of a husband in plain English.
1) A husband must love his wife MORE THAN HIS OWN LIFE. (Christ died for the church)
2) A husband must give himself completely to his wife (just as Jesus gave Himself to his church)
3) A husband must treat his wife's body and mind as kindly as he treats his own body and mind
4) A husband must "nourish" his wife (this word implies the kind of tender care a mother gives her nursing infant)
5) A husband must "cherish" his wife (to cherish someone is love them as ther most precious person on earth)
Let me just ask one thing here... Does this sound like God ordains husbands to treat their wives and daughters "POORLY"? ABSOLUTELY NO!!! Having said that, let's examine the wife's part of a God-ordained marriage.
CONTRACT 4:God's Appointment of a Wife (Eph. 5:22 & 33)
• A wife must submit herself to her husband, as unto the Lord (vs 22)
• A wife must reverence (implies a great deal of respect) her husband. (verse 33)
From your question, I am sure you know quite well what your end of the marriage contract is. So we will not explain it further. Really, your part does not seem to be the issue in your marriage. Did you know that God requires your husband to treat you with as much love as Jesus treats you? (You're part of the church Jesus died for - that makes you his bride too!)
Picture the way Jesus would treat you. Do you see Him loving you, strengthening you, being willing to give up His place in heaven because you were in danger of dying? Can you imagine Jesus' loving eyes looking into your wounded soul? You are a precious soul for whom Jesus DIED. Do you know that He would have DIED JUST FOR YOU?
That's how much he loves YOU! That's how much Jesus expects your husband to love you. Can you ever imagine JESUS treating you poorly? I assure you, dear Questioner, Jesus would NEVER harm you in any way. He always has your best good at heart. Do you know what Jesus wants for you MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE? He wants you to prosper (be happy and well-off) and in good health.
3 John 2 - "Beloved (one that I love), I wish ABOVE ALL THINGS that thou (you) mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.
If you are involved in a marriage in which your husband treats you "poorly", your husband has broken the contract before God. Thus, before God, your husband has destroyed his right to be the head of your home. His behavior is NOT of God, nor is it God-ordained. In fact, what he is doing breaks the heart of Jesus, Who loves you enough to leave heaven for you.
At this point, you are NOT married, you ARE A CAPTIVE. The man in your life does not behave as a husband in treating you wrongly. His behavior is far more along the lines of an earthly dictator. A dictator expects his subjects to revere and obey him even though he is unkind- even cruel to them. The poor people are forced by his strength to serve him rather than out of love.
God has a wonderful promise for captives and those who are oppressed. Isaiah 58:6 -"Is not this the fast that I (God) have chosen? To loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?"(a yoke is a wooden collar put on two oxen to help them plow the field together... Here it refers to a joining which is heavy and oppressive)
There is so much more in the Bible to show that abusive relationships are not of God. But, I must end here, as this is quite long. If you would like more information, though please do not hesitate to e-mail in again. In the meantime, please know that you and your daughter(s) are precious. You are worth far too much for Jesus to be glad about seeing you in pain. I pray you can find true freedom and love. Remember, you BELONG to Jesus, not to any mortal man. God bless you.